I went to buy bras. Yes, bras. Maura Johnston had recommended Wagner’s, which is sold at Stern’s. When I showed up, I was elated to find signs proclaiming "Buy Two, Get Two Free.. one now, one mail in!"

Oh joy! Christmas it was! The only issue I had now was picking a style. A newbie to bra-buying, I was struck at first by the cornucopia of bra styles that Wagner offers. I mean, you go to such stores as Victoria’s Secret and shop for those lacey or silky underthings for your wife or girlfriend, and petite salesgirls in merriwidows come out of the woodwork to help you decide that what they are wearing would look great on your significant other. No fuss. Of course it would. The salesgirl flauting herself in front of you looks wonderful. But here, I was mostly on my own.

I carefully picked out three bras.. one, "The Naked Truth", another from the "Lace and Diamonds" collection. Rethinking my selection, I put back the "Lace and Diamonds" and took one with 'Silk' in the name.

At about the time I was trying to figure out what style to pick next, a nice older lady that reminded me of my grandmother came over and asked if I needed help. "No thanks.. I’m fine." I was more than fine. I was examining the benefits of one style over the other; front close to back close, wide straps to thin, I was quickly soaking up the information and relating it to how my wife would like wearing one over the other. And "sexy colors," as that’s what I had been instructed to get.

I had to decide on the third and final. I went back to the "Naked Truth," and as an added bonus, threw in some matching panties.

Armed with my selections, I went to the counter, albeit, a bit shy about purchasing bras and panties. Men’s purchases around the holidays usually focus on teddies, bodices and other exotic ‘sleepwear.’ And I wasn’t in a fancy specialty store.. I was in Sterns.

The counter was being armed by two women. The one that had previous inquired if I needed help. I would find out later that she was affectionately known as "Miss Monroe." The gold necklace around her neck bared her name, Marilyn, in diamonds.

The second was a middle aged black woman, who took my selections from my hand and immediately commented to the departing customer before me (a woman) and to Miss Monroe, "Why can’t I wear a nice bra and panty like this?" She held up the set, admiring them, and letting the few customers around the chance to see them, as well.

"Because you’re full-sized, honey." Miss Monroe flatly observed, whilst everyone giggled at the joke.

"Now, make sure that you ring that up proper. I explained to the gentleman before about the free bra when purchasing two."

"He gets one free?" Miss full-figure retorted.

"Yes. Now ring it up right the first time, so we don’t need to void him out."

"I’m doing fine, Miss Monroe." This elicited another round of chuckles.

"What’s this?"

Apparently, two of the bras rang up for only $9.00, instead of the normal $22.00. The third rang true. "The panties are $8.00, just so you know," Miss Monroe sagely informed me.

Turning to her co-worker, "Well, he knows about it now, so we can’t charge him the other price. So just ring it up." Redirecting to me, she continued without missing a beat, "But, the deal is that you get the cheapest bra free. I’m sorry, but I can only take off the $9.00."

"That’s quite alright," I nodded with understanding.

Miss Monroe took over the register while her partner in crime removed the store security tags from the clothing. But alas, all was not well. "I can’t seem to get this taken off," Miss Monroe suddenly said.

"And you were worried I would do something.. you’re going to have to void him," Marilyn’s coworker jibed.

"No, I don’t. I don’t want to have to void him. I won’t void him"

Suddenly, I thought that voiding me might be a terrible thing, akin to eliminating my existence on this earth. Or maybe if I was voided, I couldn’t shop for the rest of the day. A third woman can over to the register, wondering what was wrong.

"I’m trying to take this gentleman’s panties off," Miss Monroe explained.

I would have giggled, but there were only serious, all-knowing looks around.

Miss Monroe and her co-worker quickly bantered back and forth, "You’re going to have to void him," "No I won’t" Click click of keys on the register, "Yes, you will," "No I won’t," thrust, parry, thrust, thrust parry, thrust.

Miss Monroe began to scan the items again.

"I told you she’d have to void you," her coworker leaned in, letting me in on the secret.

I only nodded back, in my quiet understanding way. Being voided didn’t hurt a bit, I thought.

"Now look at this. His panties are ringing up as a bra." Everyone looks to the screen, intrigued by this new twist.

"Now, I want to take his bra off for $9.00." I was beginning to feel a bit violated, if not a cheap date.

"No, not that bra, that bra is the panties."

"Just take his panties off," someone offered. Click click.

"And don’t forget the 15%," the other coworker reminded. Beep beep, click.

"Hold on, I got it…" click, click, click. Miss Monroe turned to me, beaming, her finger pointing at the screen. "See? I took off your bra for $9.00. Your total is $31.94."

I honestly couldn’t see the screen that well, as the angle of being in front of the counter precluded me from seeing it other than from the sharpest angle. I thanked her, though, commenting on how grateful I was for her taking off my bra. Signed my signature into the computer, and was on my way - three bras, one panty in tow.